Getting Your Spouse to Help with Chores: Keeping the Peace Without Losing Your Mind

By Kristi Patrice Carter

You’ve probably seen the couples on Dr. Phil, Tyra, or some other talk show. The wife has had it up to there with a husband who doesn’t help around the house. The couples seemed to be all based on doers and slackers.

But in these days, assuming the slacker spouse is a husband isn’t fair. Many households have stay-at-home dads and the wife has a career that is the breadwinner for the family. And calling them slackers probably isn’t fair, either. For families in which both parents work, the stress of housework atop work and child-rearing burdens can be tremendous and exhausting.

Here are some tips to help save you from being overburdened with the housework while also getting some help.

1. Use a wall-mounted organizer like one that uses wipe away markers or even a chalkboard with chalk and erasers. A calendar style of month-to-month or week-to-week should work best. Agree to what chores are split among yourselves and map out on the board when and by what time they are to be done. This will help establish a communication system and an understanding of who has responsibility for what. On the organizer list children’s doctor’s appointments, dates, times and which parent drives. Determine if Friday night is vacuum night or Saturday morning is bathroom cleaning. Who cooks when? When is order-out night? (There has to be a pizza night somewhere!) Mapping it out can make it seem less overwhelming for both of you. Sometimes the disharmony comes from one spouse essentially determining the schedule in his or her mind and then dictating when things need to be done. Work the timing out together, and you’ll likely see some improvement. Keep the organizer in a well-traveled area, like the kitchen, where you can discuss items that need to be addressed. Make sure you include your spouse’s issues, too, like car maintenance.

2. Working off the scheduler, have a honey-do list and a to-do list for you. It’s a good reminder for both of you to consult during the day.

3. Cooking can be a chore to some and a passion to others. If one spouse is a great cook and loves to do it, then make special use of the talent. To save time in preparation and cleanup, plan larger meals so the remainder can be frozen and reheated later. It goes without saying that no household should be without a microwave.

4. Some spouses just will not get into a new routine. If that’s the case, get help from outside. Housecleaning services used to be just something the rich and famous used. But more and more Americans are realizing that housecleaning services are a) affordable; b) time-saving; and c) marriage saving. Many have a housecleaner once every two weeks do the major overall cleaning—vacuuming rugs; scrubbing floors; dusting; cleaning tubs, sinks and toilets. Plus, the idea that a stranger is coming into your home will often get your spouse motivated to at least organize some of his or her stuff.

5. Also, for those whose spouses aren’t much help, you should have items and a system in place in the home that help relieve housework. For example, high-tech housework electronics like iRobot’s Roomba or Scooba can vacuum or scrub your floors when you’re not even around. For about $200, they can save you a lot of irritation, housework time and frustration. Even something as simple as a dishwasher can save you time, especially if you put a household rule into effect that no dish goes in the sink. Whenever dishes are used, they are scraped in the garbage and placed immediately in the dishwasher. Maybe your spouse finds housework overwhelming? If so, these handy items can remove some of the issues from the to-do list.

6. Is there something your spouse does especially well? Sometimes a little flattery and acknowledgment that he or she does something especially well (when they finally do it) can be a great motivator to them to do it every week. Clearly defining who is to do what often helps, such as he takes out the garbage, he does the cooking, she empties the dishwasher, she does the dusting.

7. When your spouse does make the effort, avoid criticism if it falls short of what you would have done or what you expect. He or she may not do it as well as you, but compliments go much further. Then you can find a way to initiate constructive suggestions for a more thorough job.

8. Some people have particular pet peeves. Make them clear between yourselves as to what is to be priority and what can wait. Some people have a greater degree of tolerance for clutter than others. Sometimes it’s a matter of perspective and a matter of understanding the Felixes and Oscars out there, then trying to meet somewhere in between. Plus, even if your spouse slacks off in housework, you might be surprised at some of his or her own pet peeves like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste or failing to replace a roll of toilet paper.

9. Ever go to those work-mediating seminars? You know the kind--how to deal with conflict in the work environment? This may be the opportunity you need to use some of the techniques you’ve learned at work in how to get people to do things they may not want to do.

10. Say thank you and show your appreciation. Some people feel they shouldn’t thank their spouses for doing what was expected of them. A simple thank you can really go the distance even if you feel reluctant uttering it. But if you want your spouse to do the chore again, a thank you can be just the thing he or she needs to hear.

Sometimes having a bit of open communication about what things need to be done and when is enough to get a spouse motivated. Forget nagging. It’s just insulting for him or her and demeaning for you. Instead, talk about how you will both meet the housework needs. Much like trying to get children to help with their own chores, for your reluctant spouse, you can develop schedules and systems and remind your spouse that the more equally you share in responsibility, the less exhausted you’ll both feel and the more inclined you’ll both be to enjoy in some romantic quality time together.

When all else fails, buy a Roomba, hire a housecleaner and lawn mowing service, do your food shopping online and have it delivered, drop the laundry off and pay the laundromat to wash, dry and fold your laundry for you. You’d be amazed at how affordable some services are and you’ll wonder how you did without them in the first place.